The Sober Life

My First Clean Holiday Season!

2012-01-11T13:22:00.001-08:00

<p>It's now the blustery middle of a very wintery January. My fifth official month of sobriety. The holidays have come and gone, and I am still puttering along the path of cleanliness. The holidays season was very different for me this year. This was my first clean holiday season in twelve years. In fact, getting high during the holidays was a big tradition for me. The end of each night was punctuated by a hearty pipeful of weed and a brimming handful of pills. This year was very different for me. Ha, and I even remember it this year!</p>

<p>The holiday season kicked off with a big, delicious home style turkey dinner on thanksgiving. In attendance was myself, my boys and Josh, my parents, my brother and my niece, my aunt and a great uncle. Dinner was wonderful. Usually, I don't eat much at dinner because I have always found that pills seem to work better and potently on an empty stomach. Right after dinner, I would quickly excuse myself for a moment to down a small handful of pills. Then I would hang out for around a half hour before finding an excuse to leave (before the pills really hit) and a good reason why my children had to stay with my parents. Then once I ducked out, I would pack my pipe full of sweet, sticky weed and smoke the whole way home. After I arrived home it was pajamas and a huge a mount of pills washed down by a bubbling glass full of cola. THAT was my holiday ritual. For over a decade.

This year, I actually stuck around after dinner, even had dessert. I was coherent, which is a big thing, and attentive to my children and other family members. I was not sitting in my chair, shifting uncomfortably around anxiously waiting for the right moment to excuse myself, feeling slightly ill waiting for my next huge dose of pills. I enjoyed myself, enjoyed the kids and the company. The day after thanksgiving it was time to decorate the tree. The kids and I had a great time. It was especially magical because my youngest boy is finally old enough to semi understand what is going on. He was thrilled by the lights and decorations and both boys were eager for Santa's arrival.

The next weekend my mother bought two gingerbread house kits. She buys them at the school holiday fair each year. Usually, I convince her that it's her thing to do with the kids, not mine. Then I go out and get high while she decorates the little cookie houses with them. This year, however, I not only stayed to decorate the houses with them but I even had pizza with the boys and my parents before decorating them. We all had so much fun and laughed and laughed, but a good part of me secretly felt pretty ashamed that I had blown such a wonderful tradition off for so many years.

The next batch of holiday fun was actually, very surprisingly, my methadone recovery support group's annual holiday party. I made handmade soaps for everybody and we ordered pizza and had icecream cake and cookies. One man made us all Christmas CDs and we all exchanged cards. It sounds pretty cheese but it actually really helped me get into the holiday spirit.

Next came the actual celebration of Christmas day. Again, it was pretty quiet and low key. Just my parents, my children, my brother and niece and our great aunts. We also visited my future mother in law and my fiance's family. I got a keurig one cup coffee maker and a bunch of k cups. I am currently totally in love with it. Anyway, it was a very different experience doing the whole holiday thing clean, but it was very enjoyable. There was still one big final test, however.

Each year, on or around December 27, the ENTIRE family converges at our family home for a couple more big holiday celebrations. This is what I had worried the most about. The entire crowd makes me very, very nervous. My sisters can be very judgemental. To give you a better idea of the pure chaos that ensues upon their visit, the people in attendance of these special post Christmas Christmas celebrations aaaare: myself, my two boys, my fiance, my mother, my father, my sister and her fiance, my other sister and her three young children, my brother and his daughter, my mothers sister, my fathers sister, my great aunt and uncle, a cousin or two and a fee random cousins here and there. These celebrations are lovingly referred to as "Smithmas"' a nod to our last name.

I was shocked to say it when it was all over, but I made it, clean and sober!!! So yup. Another month of firsts down. Now I have to look ahead to my (gulp) thirtieth birthday, which is at the end of this month. This will be my first clean birthday since I turned 13, just to give you an idea of how long I've been in the hustle, so to speak. Wish me luck!

Happy belated holidays and a blessed 2012!!

When The "Fun" of Sobriety Wears Off...

2011-12-01T14:24:00.001-08:00

I have reached a point in my recovery where the newness has kind of worn off.

Meetings that I was once thrilled to attend now seem tedious. Mornings at the methadone clinic are getting annoying, as I miss sleeping past 5:30 am. Nothing new is happening. Recovery feels stale.

This is not at all to say that I wish I was using again, that was sheer hell. It's just that every day is kinda the same. The newness and excitement of early recovery is just wearing off and it's all starting to feel like a chore. The only part that I still really enjoy is my Monday night methadone support group meeting. I it is a very intimate group and I have made a few friends there, and it's always nice checking in with them.

I recently reached my 100th day clean. My fiance was so proud of me that he bought me a brand new web tablet computer, which I am currently in love with. Still, it was like yea, one hundred days... woo hoo. Counting the days now almost feels daunting. Like a constant reminder that I have a whole lifetime of clean days to count ahead of me. It's not to say that I miss using really, it's really more like I just miss not being in recovery.

Perhaps it really is time for me to choose a sponsor and really start working the steps. Maybe that will break this sort of sobriety monotony I have going on. I should have a sponsor now anyway. I'm just too shy to ask. I know it sounds silly, but I am just socially very awkward and anxious. And how do I pick the right one? I know that I want somebody young enough to relate to me, and I would prefer someone with multiple years of clean time, or at least a little more than one year. Am I being too picky? I will make it my goal to get a sponsor by the end of this week. By Sunday. And even though it feels monotonous, I will attend at the very least two more meetings this week. My Thursday women's group and my Sunday just for today group for sure. Maybe I will even try to squeeze in a third. I know I have to stick to my program. I mean, eventually I do want to come off methadone (though I am in no hurry) and when that time comes, I am going to need a solid recovery foundation to really stay off drugs for good.

Well, that will give me so thing new to focus on. I just hope I have the guts to ask someone, and that I find the right fit. Maybe getting a sponsor and doing step work will renew my enthusiasm about recovery.

Also, in other methadone clinic news, tomorrow my counselor will present my case to the methadone team to plead my case to see if I have earned my very first take home dose. I'm really nervous about it. I hope they approve me without any trouble. That would be really exciting.

So, I guess there are some new exciting things in recovery I can focus on. Maybe I just have a case of the seasonal blaaahhhs. I don't know, but I want to hold on to that "high on life" feeling of new recovery. I mean, I should be feeling great right now. Entering the holiday season for the first time without drugs, that's huge. Getting a great gift as a reward for my clean time. My fiance just got a wonderful new job, making nearly twice as much money. I am starting school soon to follow my dreams that I never got a chance to follow, being a teenage bride and all. But I still have a case of the blaaahhs.

But this week I will find me a sponsor and enthusiasticly start my step work. And I will learn whether or not I was approved for a take home dose, which is huge. So I will just stay focused on that and keep trucking along on my sobriety adventure. Hopefully that will get back a bit of the excitement for me.

I also guess I need to learn that recovery just isn't always that exciting. Parts of it are exciting, and parts of it aren't, and that's normal and just the way it is in life. I guess i have been so used to the constant excitement of chasing drugs and partying, it is a bit hard to get used to the calm serenity that sobriety brings. In time, I'm sure I will get used to it. I will learn that this is life now, and its not supposed to be constant excitement. It's just normal, everyday life that makes the exciting times special. So, I am settling into a routine. Cooking dinner, making school lunches, cleaning the house getting ready for school. That's my life now. And I guess that's a good thing. Calm. Normal. It has certainly been a long time since I could use those adjectives to describe my life. Huh. Maybe normal can be exciting too. We'll see!

My first sober holiday

2011-11-28T08:28:00.001-08:00

So this week marked my very first Thanksgiving clean and sober. It was wonderful. I think the best part was waking up the next day and actually remembering the holiday.

My older sister couldn't make it, so it was a bit more quiet than usual, but it was really nice, very peaceful. I even took a quick after dinner nap. Everyone got along well, and it was great to see my little sister and my brother and niece.

What was really great, though, was not worrying about hiding my habit, or sneaking off to pop a pill. I wasn't constantly worried that my family new that I was high. I wasn't stressed about getting my next fix. What a difference.

Also this week marked my 100th day clean and sober. My fiance, amazing as he is, snuck out at five a.m and went to a black Friday early bird sale and bought me a brand new web tablet. I was so thrilled. What a sweety!

Today we will put the Christmas tree up. And that will mark another sober milestone. I will be starting school soon as well. There is so much going on in my life and I have just so much to be thankful for.

To top off a wonderful week, my fiance was offered a new job. A job that pats almost twice what he makes now. So things are really taking off for us. It is so exciting. My kid brought home a perfect report card, my fiance bought me a great new gift to mark my 100th day sober, we got an amazing job offer, dinner with family was great, everyone is healthy and happy. I am so thankful to the god and goddess for all the wonderful things that are happening in our lives, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

I couldn't do this without help from the methadone program. It has literally saved my life. Everything in my life is changing in a good way, and most importantly, I feel strong, as though I am ready to deal with problems as they come.

This is only the first chapter in my sobriety and I am truly looking forward to each new day. Methadone set me free. And eventually, I will come off the methadone, that's the ultimate goal, but right now I am content with the way things are. And working the twelve steps and attending NA meetings is helping me create a good solid foundation for when I do come off. It has strengthened my relationship with my higher power and with the people around me. Right now, my heart is just filled with joy and light.

If you are reading this, and you are an addict, talk to someone, attend a meeting, reach out and get the help you need. It really is worth it, however you do it... Whether you do a methadone program or a detox or a 28 day program, or just kick it cold turkey (not recommended), it will open the door for so many blessings to be let into your life. Kicking the habit is definitely worth it.

I wish you all a safe and happy holiday weekend!!

First clean and sober Thanksgiving. eek!

2011-11-24T08:54:00.001-08:00

Today marks the beginning of my very first holiday season clean and sober.

It is a very odd feeling, not having drugs to numb myself through it, and it's a little scary. However, I really am thankful. I can't believe I have been clean and sober for nearly 100 days now.

Today I will face my entire family without drugs as my crutch. As scared as I am, I am kind of excited. This will be the first holiday in over ten years that I will actually be able to remember the day after it happens.

And it's not just this holiday, either. It is Christmas, new years, my birthday... All of the big days that happen in a year. Each one that passes is a new milestone in my sobriety.

Last Thanksgiving, my best friend and I met up late, right after dinner, and downed handfuls of pills and a couple bottles of cheap wine. We were "celebrating". In reality, all we were doing was numbing ourselves. We thought we were enjoying ourselves, and though it was fun at the time, all it did was erase all the memories of the day.

Sometimes, families don't get along. My family doesn't always get along. But the fact is, we have a lot of fun together, and I am looking forward to building new, happy memories.

Let me share a little story that happened to me recently. My mother, every single year, goes to a pto Christmas fair. And every single year she buys the kids make your own gingerbread house kits. Every year she asks if I want to help her and the kids build and decorate them. Every year, without fail, I refuse because I am too tired and too burnt out from using to bother with it.

So this year, like clockwork, she brought home the gingerbread kits. We had a lovely family pizza dinner and then, when the time came to build the gingerbread houses, I stayed and got elbow deep in frosting and shared countless laughs and so much fun with my boys and my parents. I really felt bad that I hadn't participated before. We had so much fun.

So I guess that is my first true happy holiday memory in ten years. Oh how we laughed and joked and got frosting all over ourselves. And I thought, well hmm... This beats getting high by a long shot.

As I wind down this entry, I ask everybody out there to remember that there are some folks in this great country who spend the holidays all alone. I ask that you keep them, and all the addicted still in the struggle, in your prayers this holiday season. Give when you can, volunteer or even just offer a genuine smile. I am realizing how lucky I am, finally after all these years, to have such a loving and exciting family.

Most of all, be thankful and thank God/Goddess for all that you have and enjoy it thoroughly.

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Another Miraculous Week of Sobriety!

2011-11-10T12:57:00.001-08:00

This week was a HUGE week for me. This week I officially became an adult college student. I got my official acceptance letter into a pre-nursing health sciences program.. Yup. I am officially on my way to realizing my long time dream of becoming a nurse. A big step totally made possible by my sobriety and by the support of the methadone program and the fellowship of narcotics anonymous. Without those support systems, I would have never had the courage to reach for my dreams. I would still be stuck in,the cycle of addiction, if not dead from an overdose.

I am so proud of this accomplishment. Although my own,mother had nothing but bad things to say. My father says she is worried yhat I will shirk my responsibilties off on her. It stung, I really wanted her approval. So, I went to,an N.A meeting to get some perspective. And basica

lly

while I was there, they

encouraged me to work twice as hard to prove her wrong. I will find a way to balance my responsibilities and excel in school and get into a g

ood nursing program and earn that

license

.And I will just

have to do it with as little support from my mother as possible. People do it on their own everyday. I have a good suppo

rt system and I will do this.

I told my brother, and he congratulated me, and told me to keep the letter, because at the end

of the road, when I get that RN,

it will be a great rem

inder of the start of a majorly important journey. So I took that

acceptance letter, and I taped it up on my bedroom wall, with

my NA key chain markers and my rosary beads. Now it hangs right at the foot of my bed, where I can.view it, along with my sobriety markers,.each day when I wake up.

I have gotten myself treatme

nt for my drug

addiction. I have surrounded myself with supportive people. Now I am going to chase down my dream with a fury. I will continue with my groups amd my mertings. I will work the twelve steps, and I will over come and I will become a nurse. The best nurse I.can be. And I will specialize in psychiatric nursong with a focus on substance abuse, so that hopefully one day I.can help others overcome addiction and become successful in life.

I am on my way. And if I have to fight for five years, or even ten, I

'm going to get there. I have overcome so much in the past ten years. I have come so.far from that scared teenage bride who got beaten every day and cheated on, and fell into addiction. I am growing every day. Noe that I have a firm plan and a solid support system, there will be no stopping me.

I have to keep my eyes on the prize, now. I can

't afford to slide again, not even for a second. I've got work to do. I have a dream to chase.

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Frienships and Making Amends.

2011-11-04T07:02:00.001-07:00

Recently, a friend asked me for the link to my sobriety blog. When she was done reading it, she sent me a text saying she couldn't believe how naive she had been about my drug use.

This kind of hurt me in a way. I had never meant to decieve her, it's just, she has her own busy life and I try as best as I can to keep any serious problems to myself.

And it wasn't just her that I kept my using from, it was EVERYBODY, because that's basically what an addict does. I was hurt that she seemed to take it so personally, as though every one knew besides her. In reality, the only people who knew were the people I was using with or buying from.

It made me think about the steps, and making amends. Clearly, I had hurt my friend by living so dishonestly for so long. I had a list of people to make amends with and this friend wasn't even on it. It had never dawned on me that there were other people whom I had hurt just by lying about my addiction...

And then I thought, DAMN, my list of people I have to make amends with just got a hell of a lot longer.

I sincerely never meant to hurt anybody or make them feel tricked or naive in any way. As a matter of fact, in my mind, I was protecting them from all the excess worry that comes along with caring about an addict. So there was that reason, and also I was ashamed. I didn't want my good, clean friends thinking I was some junky loser. So there were my own selfish reasons as well.

So, to anyone of my dear friends who may be reading this for the first time, and for the first time discovering how badly I was addicted to drugs, I apologize. I never meant to make you feel as though you had been fooled in anyway. Just know that I love you and have made many mistakes, and I ask that yoy forgive me for that. In my using days, it was truly never my intention to hurt anybody. I realize now that my addiction, in some way, hurt everyone around me. And I am truly, truly sorry for that and fully intend to make it up to all of you somehow.

This whole twelve step thing is harder than I thought it would be.

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Pumpkins and Goblins; My First Sober Halloween!

2011-10-30T13:44:00.001-07:00

Hooray!! It's Halloween time again, and this is a very important one for me... This will be my very first Halloween without drugs or alcohol!

So far, the difference is incredible. See, usually my parents do the pumpkin thing with the kids, first of all. Usually, I am too busy being strung out on the couch.

And then there is the big night. Last year, I was way too high on percocets (emphasis on the s) and barbiturates. So, with me being totally out of it, my fiancé and my oldest sons father got the kids ready and took them out while I smoked a little weed in the bathroom.

The year before that, I faked a migraine and got vicodin from my doctor and took four before we set out to trick or treat, you know, just to get my head straight, make it a lil more fun for mama. Then, I proceeded to come home and take four more and then get completely shitfaced with my best friend on cheap wine.

The year before that I was pregnant. And this is horrible, but I claimed.sciatic nerve problems and got my ob to prescribe me a lil percocet... I know, I know, but hey, she said it was safe. So I modestly took two of those before trick or treating.

Now, the year before THAT (and this is a good one) I could not find any drugs at all and I was freaking out. Now, keep in mind that I have dogs. Well, one of them had recently been sick, and I remembered the vet had given her a doggy medicine called perco something. Well, addict that I was, I thought, hmm, well, it begins with ” perc”, lets google it. My instincts were right, it was a doggy painkiller from the opiate family. So, I literally took half a bottle of dog medicine before we set out to trick or treat. And yup, it worked and I ended up taking the whole bottle and letting the dog go without.

Noticing a pattern here? Yup, I always had to be high before we went trick or treating. Not a single halloween went by without me getting high before we set out to trick or treat. This will be the very first time in ten years that I will be sober for halloween.

I have to admit, it is triggering a little craving. I mean, old habits die hard, right? None the less, tonight, the night before halloween, I will put on my mom hat and, completely sober(!) paint pumpkins with my little ones. And you know what, despite the craving, I am happy about it. How great will it be to participate in such a fun activity with my kids AND be able to REMEMBER it afterwards!?

Then, tomorrow night will be the big night. Halloween with no drugs. Mind blowing! However, for the first time, the night is going to be about my kids having a good time and NOT about me getting my party on. I am actually pretty excited about that. Making memories. Helping my boys get there costumes on, walking up to doors with them, interacting with other families. All sober as a judge.

This is a huge step in my recovery. Halloween has always been about me and partying. This year it's going to be all about the joy of my little ones (and all the candy that they'll be sharing with mama), it'll be about family and making memories, taking pictures and such.

So, bring on the pumpkins, this mama is ready to face this holiday with her wits about her. Bring on the costumes and the candy and the kid friendly fun. It will be different, sure, big time different. But it will be a good, normal kind of different.

I actually can't wait! Wish me luck!
Trick or Treat ;)

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Day Seventy Three

2011-10-29T10:23:00.001-07:00

Today, on my seventy third day clean and sober, I received some incredible news.

My very best friend of fifteen years, the same friend who stole my medication and called me a quitter when I quit using... The friend who I initially started using with and have watched her tailspin in a downward spiral for months has landed in florida and has realized she has hit rock bottom and has a serious drug problem... Anyway, she contacted me today to inform me that she had checked herself into a rehab facility in florida and will be starting her own methadone program next week.

I am, of course, taking it with a grain of salt, and a bit of an ” I'll believe it when I see it” attitude. But none the less, I am thrilled, even just to hear her say she was acknowledging that she had a problem. I am very excited at the thought that we can be in recovery together. I am truly hoping she goes through with it, because I was very seriously considering ending the friendship for fear it would jeopardize my own sobriety.

Towards the end, she was blatantly snorting drugs and smoking pot in front of het teenage son, then driving him around high as a kite. It got so bad that her sons father forbid her from visiting her own child due to her irrational and wreckless behavior.

There is a back story on her. We have always been best friends, and every drug we tried, we did together. But we were inseparable. The best of friends, more like sisters.

One fall, she witnessed the aftermath of a grisly murder. The victim was a very close friend of hers, and the whole thing messed her up bad. I took care of her during that time, seeing to it that she ate, making sure she had plenty of drugs to help her relax. Eventually, she got better. So much better, in fact, that she decided she wanted to do something big and important with her life. Against my warnings, she joined the army, knowing full well that we were at war and that she would likely be deployed to fight in this war.

A year or so after she completed her training, she got the orders. She was being shipped out to Iraq. We were freaked, but since she was a female, we weren't too concerned about her getting injured or anything.

However, my friend stands six feet tall and weighed 190 lbs. So, over in Iraq, as a sgt, she was sent to do things and put in situations a normal female soldier would not have been put in.

During her deployment, she survived a mortar round attack, causing back damage and a brain injury. To make matters worse, she was also sexually assaulted by a fellow soldier. Needless to say, she came home a total, beaten down, injured, emotional wreck.

She was sent to a military hospital to recieve treatment for her back and her brain injury, but all they did was pump her full of powerful pain killers and xanax to keep her quiet.

After about a year, she was discharged from the hospital and sent home. She had nowhere to go, so obviously, I took her in. At first, she had no problem getting the v.a doctors to write her the scripts she was used to taking. After a while, though, she started encountering problems. Doctors were uncomfortable writing so many scripts for such addictive meds. So she started buying them on the street and just went downhill.

It was sad to see, but soon she shacked up with another addict and I rarely saw her. Then, of course, the last time I saw her she robbed my medicine chest and disappeared.

So, to hear from her that she is getting treatment warms my heart. I sincerely hope it is true. I love her dearly, but as I said, I am taking it with a grain of salt for now.

So seventy three days sober! And hoping I don't have to cut my best friend out of my life after all.
:)

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Some Days Are Better Than Others

2011-10-28T09:01:00.001-07:00

So, I am now 71 days clean and sober. It feels great, really it does. However, getting clean for me meant losing all of my friends.

See, they are all actively using, and not only do I not want to be around it, but they don't particularly want to hang around with somebody who isn't using. Don't get me wrong, I have found friends through narcotics anonymous whom I adore. It's just, recovery has been so good to me that I want the same for my old friends.

I do miss getting high from time to time, but I find I mainly miss it because I miss hanging out with my old friends. It's kind of like, I'm getting better and it feels so good that I want to share it with them. And even worse, I am starting to see some of them as lost causes. I'm, noticing that a few of them have no desire to change and what's more, some of them don't even acknowledge that they have a problem. Some have even said to me ” Amber, nobody likes a quiter”. As though quiting drugs was a bad thing.

Halloween is upon us, and soon the holiday season as well. I am noticing that there have been no party invites. I know the reason, too. Nobody wants to party with me if I'm not partaking in the festivities, so to speak. It's kind of a crumby feeling when some of your best friends turn their backs on you because you chose to be healthy. I mean, obviously they aren't the close friends I had thought they were.

N.A is having some halloween get together at a movie theater. I am seriously considering going to that. Still, though, I can't seem to get over the loss of some of my oldest and dearest friendships.

Meanwhile, on the homefront, things are great. The kids love having me be more available. I enjoy them a lot more now that I'm not constantly thinking ” man, these kids are harshing my buzz”. My fiancé is just great and so proud and supportive. It's great to have them. Friends aside, it's ones family that is always there for them. So, as shitty as it feels to be dumped by my friends, it feels great to have a better relationship with my family.

And that's what has been going on with me in this stage of my sobriety. I think many of my friends were expecting me to fail and relapse. And maybe the fact that I'm doing so well in recovery that it makes them feel slightly bad about themselves.

I'll just keep chugging along, watching things fall into place now that I'm clean and sober. And all I can do about my friends is pray that eventually they find their way to sobriety. And when/if they do, I will be waiting with open arms. But at this point, I need to distance myself from those friendships for my own sake. I love them, but my sobriety comes first, and I can't afford to have people bringing me down.

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Happiness With A Side of Crazy

2011-10-22T08:28:00.001-07:00

So I am now in,my third month of recovery, heading towards my 90 day sober mark.

I never thought in a million years that recovery could be so good, amd so rewarding. My parenting skills have increased ten fold. I am proud to say my house is now full of loud, crazy play, childrens laughter and messy creative projects (recently, we made our own,play dough, then had contests to see who could build the best figure). My house is a happy, fun, crazy house, and I couldn't be more thrilled. We are the loudest house on the block, and I'm proud to say it's all happy, fun noise. No more screaming in fristration, crying out in boredome, no more fighting over homework. Everything is in this state of calm, wonderful chaos with a bit of healthy routine thrown in. It really is wonderful.

I am now attending three to four narcotics annonymous meetings weekly. This has helped in my sobriety greatly. Having this wonderful network of amazing clean and sober people to support me has been a god send. I am thinking about taking a sponsor soon. My only fear is telling people that I am on a methadone treatment program. I am worried that they won't consider me ” clean”, and that would just crush me. I have a wonderful new clean friend named Cheri, who knows that I am on methadone and she is wonderfully encouraging of me ” coming out”, telling the group that I am on methadone. With her encouragement, I just may work up the courage to be open about it yet.

My family life, my relationships with my parents and siblings has been great. My parents are incredibly supportive, as are my siblings. Everyone was pretty scared for me for a long time. I was using high doses of very powerful medications, and I think my family was just waiting for me to die. Now, I am awake and alert at family functions, I call and text my siblings regularly.

In fact, I may have mentioned this before, but my family is so proud that my father has offered to pay my tuition to nursing school in full. I have always wanted to be a nurse, but I married young, got caught up in drugs and partying, and my parents refused to help me, worried that I would quit or drop out. Instead, they paid for community college beauty school, which I excelled at but hated. Now, I can finally realize my lifes dream of being a nurse. I can say honestly and without a doubt that I am done with drugs and alcohol for good. Sobriety is just so rewarding. Every single new day is a blessing and brings new joy.

It's not always easy, and it's not always fun. But I have never felt so alive. I am growing in new ways every day. I am learning so much, and making so many new friends. I fight the urge every day, and every day brings new rewards.

I am so happy with my new life. It's still totally crazy, but it's a new, healthy, different kind of crazy.

To any addict out there who may be reading this, still suffering with their addiction, hold on. Take a chance, make a change. Life on the other side of addiction has so many rewards. Find a program that works for you. Get help. Check out a couple meetings. There is a beautiful life on the other side of addiction. I promise you, gettimg clean will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself.

My name is Amber C. Smith, and I'm an addict. If you are struggling with addiction, email me, post, or find me,on facebook. My email is asimth0131@gmail. Help is out there. Get some, and get your life back!

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Happy 60th day Sober to Me!!

2011-10-16T07:10:00.001-07:00

Here it is! Todays the day! I now have two solid months clean and sober! That's the most clean time I've had in three years or more.

I know some people think that sobriety with methadone treatment is cheating. Those people are certainly entitled to their opinion. However, methadone treatment isn't what most people think it is. You see, I don't go in to a clinic each day to get a high off methadone. Methadone doesn't even get you high. The first dose or two, you might feel something, but it is usually a relief from detox symptoms. In fact, in order to get on the clinic you must allow yourself to go in to detox. They check you very carefully to be sure you are truly detoxing and in need of treatment.

They check pupil size, blood pressure (which elevates during detox), heart rate (also elevates). In fact, I had two full physicals with a medical doctor before I even started getting dosed. The drug itself doesn't t make you feel high , it just eases cravings and blocks dangerous detox symptoms. Also, once you get to the blocking dose, methadone blocks other opiates from working.

Once you are ready, they very slowly taper your dose down so you can detox comfortably. For,me, methadone has truly been a life saving drug. Towards the end of my using days, I was using high doses of morphine and mixing it with barbiturates, xanax and alcohol. A very dangerous, often deadly cocktail of drugs. I was maybe weeks away from turning to heroin. Even morphine wasn't enough to get me high anymore.

The methadone treatment program saved my life, and has improved my life in ways I never knew were possible. The program holds you accountable. You have to submit to drug tests, you have to present any and all prescription medications to the nurses so they can count them to make sure you aren't abusing them. You are required to attend groups with other methadone patients for support. And the stories are all the same. ” Methadone saved my life” .

I still consider myself clean and sober. I just simply take a medication to help keep me that way. Thanks to methadone, I have had two incredible, clear minded months. I have made new, clean friends, improved my relationships with my fiancé and with my family, gotten into the routine of bringing my kids to school and am now looking forward to going back to school in the spring! All this, after just two months. I am so excited to see what else the future will bring.

In addition to methadone support groups, I also attend narcotics anonymous meetings. I am creating a little community of support, which will be of tremendous help when I do decide to come off methadone.

I never dreamed that I could have been clean for two months, and be so happy and content. Life truly is good, and I am so happy to be clear headed enough to look forward to the future. And you know... The future looks pretty bright.

Happy 60th day clean, me!! Way to go! Heres to a life time of sobriety!

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Day 59

2011-10-15T07:43:00.001-07:00

Today marks my 59th day clean and sober. That means tomorrow I celebrate two solid months clean.

Some people would argue that sine I am on methadone treatment, I am not really clean. I understand why people,might think that. However, methadone does not get you high, it just serves to block the cravings and also block the effects of illicit drugs if you try to use.

It may not be for everyone, but for a heavy long time user with chronic pain like me it is a god send. My pain is gone, and with it, my desire to use. I am required to be up and dressed early, so my family has settled in to a nice little routine There is more money, since I am not spending piles of cash on expensive pills. I am awake and ” with it”, interacting with the kids, helping with homework, making dinners and keeping the house clean.

Even though I am on methadone maintainence, I still consider myself clean and sober After tomorrow, I will get a sponsor and start working the steps. I hope my sponsor doesn't judge me for being on methadone I suppose I will have to be very selective. At any rate, I am very proud of myself and am very happily looking forward to the future.

I can't wait until I get into step work. I am also going to work on getting to more meetings every week .

So happy two month sobriety mark to me! I am so proud of myself and I am very eagerly looking forward to the future. N.a has helped tremendously it really does ” work if you work it” .

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A Friend in Need Is a Thief Indeed

2011-10-14T09:52:00.001-07:00

As I approach my sixty day sober mark, I was confronted in a terrible,way by my best friend's raging problem with addiction and it has hit me like a knife in the heart.

On last sumday night, while I was at an n.a meeting, my best friend showed up out of nowhere for a visit. As I wasn't home, she began texting me franticly to find her drugs. I felt awful for her, but refused to help,her. I told her I would be home around eight if she wanted to just wait for me and talk. She agreed, and stayed to wait for me.

At some point during the evening, my fiance had to leave her alone while he bathed out baby and put him to bed. When I got home, she was very antsy, wanting to leave the house right away. I chalked it up to her being uncomfortable from not having drugs, and agreed to go for a short ride. We drove around for a bit, and headed back to my house. I thought it was weird that she had dropped the topic of me finding her drugs, because she usually is unrelenting when she needs drugs. She just seemed in a hurry. I figured she had maybe found some drugs elsewhere and wanted to drop me off so that she could go score. So, she dropped me off after a few minutes and I invited her in for tea. She declined, and again I chalked it up to her wanting to get high.

So, fast forward to the next day. My fiance notices ten bucks missing from his wallet. He figures I have taken it to get the boys some pizza while he is at work. He doesn't mention it to me.

Now, as part of the methadone program that I'm on, I have to have a lock box for any and all medications, including methadone take home doses. Everybody who knows me knows that I have severe ADHD, and I take two small doses of adderall daily to control it. I keep my adderall in the locked box, hidden. Three people know where it is. Myself, my fiance, and my best friend. She only knows where it is because she has been there when I've filled my weekly med minder. It's locked and the only person who has a key is my fiancé. I don't even have a key, to control any temptation. He kept his key in his wallet and kept the spare key on his key chain.

Another day passes and it's time to fill my weekly med minder. I take it out, along with my locked box. My fiancé was upstairs, so I used the key on the key chain. I put the key in the lock, turn it and try to open it, but it's locked. I thought it was really weird, as I never leave the box unlocked. So, I turn the key again and the box pops open. And it is totally empty. All of my medication, bottles and all, were gone. I screamed for my fiancé, and he comes running. I show him my box and tell him about how when I first tried to open it, it had been unlocked. Immediately, he remembers the missing ten dollars from the night my friend had been at the house and checks his wallet for his spare locked box key. The key is gone. It was kept where,the,money was, so if anybody went into his wallet looking for money, they would have seen the key. And only one perso n would know what the key was for and where to find it. My fiancé asks about the missing money from that night, and I tell him I know nothing about it. Then he tells me that he had noticed my best friend coming out of the room my box was hidden in in a hurry, and that he had commented to her that she looked flushed.

There is no possible way that anybody else could have taken the money or the medication. I have tried to come up with other possible scenarios, but the thing is, that box was hidden under a floor board under a book case. Nobody could ever have randomly found it, and aside from myself and my fiancé, only she would know where it was. She stole the money to,buy drugs, saw the key, knew she had a bit of time before he would be down and so she went into the room, got the box, took everything in it, and hastily put it back unlocked, maybe she had heard my fiancé on the stairs or something. She was in a hurry to leave the house because she was afraid I might need something from the box and find her out. I have since tried contacting her to no avail.

I wish I could say there was a chance that it wasn't her. But there wasn't even a reason that she should have been in that room, and my other half SAW her exiting that room, looking flushed... The fact is, my ” best friend” stole my medication. I can't even desrcibe how awful that feels.

I feel so violated and so disappointed. Not to mention angry. And I can't get a new prescription until the end of the month, so I am struggling with adhd symptoms. I can't believe it, that she is so sick in her addiction that she would steal from the person who has always been there for her, through thick or thin. Through everything.

Anyway, I had to get a new box since the key is missing, and had to find a new place to hide the box. It's just so frigging sad that it's come to this. That she is so far gone that she would steal medication which she knew I needed.

And so I am hurt and sad. Hurt that she would do it and sad that she is that sick in her addiction that she would steal from her closest friend. I now feel the need to cut her out of my life until she is clean and sober. Because if she is capable of stealing my medication, from a locked box none the less, god only knows what else she is capable of doing. I feel just awful. This is truly a very sad thing. My oldest friend has to be cut from my life. Very, very sad. Please, if you are struggling with addiction, seek help. Drugs ruin lives. Believe me, I know it first hand.

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Of playgrounds, play dates and other parently duties...

2011-10-10T08:34:00.001-07:00

Today marks my first sober playdate. When I think about it, it is pretty messed up just how many playdates while under the influence of drugs. Sadly, so many parents trusted me with the care of their children while I was high on pills.

It makes me feel this tremendous, heavy feeling of guilt. Thank god nothing bad ever happened to any of the many kids who have come over to play with my oldest. How did I manage to present as looking sober and responsible when I was so freaking messed up?

Mostly, kids would come over and I would send them next door with my mother to play video games or watch tv while I laid around doing nothing.

Today though, today is different. Today I took all of the kids to the play ground, and watched attentively as they ran around like maniacs. I ordered them a special pizza for lunch, and then let them take the dog for a run while I put the baby to bed.

There is such a big difference between using mom and sober mom. I can't even believe it. At the same time, I can't believe I would justify getting high before a play date; before a parent would entrust me with their precious child. What was I thinking??! I imagine if I were,leaving my child at somebody elses home and they were high and it sends chills down my spine . Anything could happen.

I am so grateful to be clean and sober today, and to fully have my wits about me as I navigate this playdate. And I am so fortunate nothing bad ever happened during playdates during my using days.

Six days until my two month mark! Best two months I have had in a long time.

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The Temperature Goes Up, So Do The Cravings

2011-10-08T14:16:00.001-07:00

Today is October 8th, I think. And I,have exactly fifty four days clean and sober. I woke up,this morning, and read my ” Just For Today” boom, then got dressed and headed out to get my methadone dose.

The minute I stepped out the door and felt the unseasonably warm, sunny weather, I immediately began craving a good, hard party session. I don't know what it is, but something about warm, sunny weather makes me want to party. Hardcore.

It makes sense if you really think about it. Summertime equals bbqs and parties. It's just natural. I want to party! I want an array of booze, pills and pot. I want to feel that release flow through my body like pure heaven... Yet I am completely aware of the hell that follows that type od heavenly feeling. So, what do I do?

Luckily, I have been planning for this. I have been attending twelve step meetings and meeting clean and sober people. I have a game plan. Immediately after my dose, I drank a coffee and had a few cigarettes. This calmed my nerved temporarily. As the day wore on and the weather coupled with the stress of parenting made the craving return, I calmly drank a special blend of relaxation tea and took a few deep breathes. Then, finally, I took out my cell phone and called in the troops. My clean and sober friends. I started sending out texts left and right.

I used an important tool. Instead of isolating and hoping the feeling passed, I reached out to other people in recovery, people who understand these types of cravings. My sober friends got back to me almost immediately.

We quickly formulated a game plan. Since I was alone with my youngest child and unable to go anywhere, the plan was each time I felt the craving, text a feiend, make some tea, clean something, do anything to relax or get my mind off the craving. Then, at around 630, another sober friend would pick me up and take me to a meeting.

Woo hoo! I actually coped without using! Yay me! So now my house is nice and clean and I have had so much tea I'm making bathroom stops every five minutes, and most importantly I am still clean and sober.

To pit the cherry on the sunday, I have something to look forward to for the evening; a nice meeting with a new friend. A friend who was there for me in my time of need. And since a meeting is a social activity, it's kind of like a party. So,I keep my fifty four days and gain a friend. Not bad for a day that started out with the feeling that I might use, right?

I am very pleased with myself for reacting the way I did. I didn't call a dealer or a user friend, I reached out for help and I found it. So, it turns out there just might be something to this n.a meeting stuff afterall. It certainly saved my ass today. And now I also have my fifty fifth day of sobriety to look forward to as well, instead of starting back at one.

Turns out it really does work if you work it!

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Handling Life and Stress Sober

2011-10-07T11:12:00.001-07:00

I am fifty three days clean and sober as of today. This is the longest I have been clean since my second pregnancy.

Well, that second pregnancy has now turned in to a sweet, irrational, tratrum prone two year old. On top,of that, I also have an ” I know everything” sweetheart of a fourth grader.

Look, I love my kids more than life,itself, but bringers of serenity they are not. Let's face it, kids COMPLICATE things. If I need a book, I have to get myself ready, as well as two little ones, one of which is nearly totally helpless. I have to pack up my bag with a spare diaper and a toy or two. I have to level with my know it all fourth grader about exactly why I can't just leave him home in front of the tv. Then I have to pile them and a stroller into the car, and finally away we go. Then comes the fighting in the car. ” I had that toy first” ” NO it's MINE!” ”Mommmmm, he's being a bully again” and another ” NO it's MINE” from the two year old, who is in the dreaded ” mine” phase. ” MOmmmm, make him give it baaack”. The never ending symphony of nearly every single car ride we take. ” Boys, you need to share” I meakly interject, as though it's going to make some sort of difference. After all, my primary focus while driving HAS to be not crashing us into something. Then, by the time I get to the book store, it's a miracle if I can even remember what I'm there for. I'm like a deer in headlights.

Inevitably, my two year old manages to escape his stroller (I swear the boy was Houdini in a past life), and insane game of chase ensues, turning me into a running, chasing lunatic as other book purchasers look on in horror. The chase ends. The book is acquired, and so begins the ride home. Where I once listened to the weekly top forty, I now listen to the shrieks and endless argurments from my backseat passengers.

Sounds kind of like a nightmare, right? The damn book better be worth it! And it's not just trips to stores, it's at home, it's at restaurants and nap times and bed times. It's always an up hill battle. And my kids are good kids. I can't even imagine what it would be like if they weren't generally well behaved.

So, somedays I am clinging to my sobriety for dear life. In the past, a vicodin or percocet would bring my stress level down. Now, it's up to me.
One thing that I have found helpful in dealing with daily stressors with out drugs is faith. I believe soundly in a higher power. In my case, I believe in a god and goddess. Step three in Narcotics Anonymous is about giving it up to god. So in my most highly charged and stressful moments, I reflect upon the god and goddess and I take a deep breath and ask for strength to get through the tough times.

At first, I was skeptical. Then, I came to really trust my faith in a higher power. Whatever your beliefs are, admitting that there is a force, a power out there greater than ourselves can be a very calming and comforting thing, I have found.

I never thought much about it before I was clean, because I was self medicating the stress away. But ” giving it up to god” is a really useful and spiritual thing. If you believe in a higher power, and trust in it's plan for you, it can help you through even the darkest times.

So when my kids are driving me up a wall, I take a deep breath, and I give it up to the god and goddess. They, in turn, give me the strength to go on, and not turn to self medication. And what's funny is, I find once I give it up to the higher power, it's not long before I am thanking them for blessing me with two beautiful children, even if they are little monsters at times.

Fifty three days and going strong. And learning to cope with stress, especially the stresses of being a parent, without drugs has been the hardest,lesson yet... But I'm getting there. One day at a time.

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Typical Sober Day

2011-10-06T08:50:00.001-07:00

Today is just another day spent avoiding drugs.
Two months ago, my typical day would go something like this: sleep at least until ten, let my fiance and my mother worry about getting the kids up and ready for school. I'd wake up, pour a big glass of cola, and ” take my breakfast” which usually consisted of three or four vicodin, two butalbitals and a few clonopin. Then, I would lay around on the couch with my dogs waiting for the drugs to kick in. Once I felt that warm high start to melt away all my feelings, I would maybe get up, wash the table and counter, do the bare minimum of housework, leaving most of it for my fiance. After I would finish doing a few chores, I would ” reward” myself with a couple more pills. Then I would space out, watch tv for hours stopping only to step outside to chain smoke and get a bit of fresh air. I would keep careful count of my pills and budget them out throughout the day accordingly. If I needed more I would order what I could on the internet, spending hundreds of dollars. If I needed something that could not be easily ordered, much of my day would be spent ” in the hustle” trying to dig up whatever drugs I could find on the street, spending up to ten bucks per pill. I would constantly text anyone I knew who might have pills or access to pills, borderline harassing them until I got what I needed. The kids would come home from school, excited to see mommy, and mommy was either too sick from lack of drugs or too high to even care. My oldest would all but beg for attention, help with homework, any kind of interaction from his mother, and I would just lay on the couch in a daze. Finally, he started doing his homework with my mother, and once he was finishex, he would come home and curl up on the couch next to me in an attempt to get some attention. My youngest son, only two years old, was mainly cared for by my fiance. If I were at home alone with him, I would feed and change him appropriately, but beyond the essentials, he was left to play by himself. If I didn't have drugs and was dope sick, my fiance would have to call in sick to work to care for the kids. Evening meant another glass of cola and a handful of pills to ” chill out” after a long day. In reality I did very little during the day, but I always had a handful of pills in the evening as a reward for making it through the day. This was followed my more spacing out in front of the tv. Most nights my fiance would have to all but carry me to bed because I was so out of it. His name is Josh, and Josh would get both boys fed and ready for bed, then take care of me, trying to get me to eat or making sure I was conscious. Eventually he'd get me to bed. Every night, both of us worried that I might die in my sleep, silently of an overdose. The next day would come, and I would wake up and do it all over again.

I got clean and sober on August 16, 2011. So, I am not even two months in and my life has changed so dramatically it is almost unbelievable. I wake up at 6am and I get lunches ready for the kids to take to school. I am on methadone to keep me clean, so I get in the car and head to the clinic for my dose. I then return home and get the kids ready for school so that Josh can get ready for work. Once everyone is ready, we all pile into the car and head out. First, we drop Josh off at work. Then my oldest boy to school, and finally my youngest to day care twice a week. We were able to cut back on day care now that I am wide awake and competent to care for the kids. The day while the kids are gone is filled with laundry and cleaning and taking the dogs out, going to mandatory therapy or even a meeting if I can squeeze it in. When my youngest is home with me, we get down and dirty and really play together. We build forts and hunt for bugs. We play cars and I take him out to ride his tricycle. We read books and interact. When he wants to play alone, I squeeze in a cuo of tea and maybe a little tv.

Then comes the afternoon. My oldest needs to be picked up, then Josh, then my youngest if he happens to be at daycare. Then there is homework to be done, playdates to be had, guitar lessons and practicing. I am proud to say I sit and help with homework, I listen intently to guitar practice. I help cook healthy dinners and I help clean up after. The next morning might start earlier due to an early a.m trumpet lesson, chorus or band practice. I get to the clinic then I get things done. Gone are the days of laying wasted in front of the tv for six or more hours a day. Gone are the days of sleeping until ten and staying in pajamas all day. Now I am dressed to the shoes by 630 am, every single morning.

Some may say methadone is cheating, that maybe I'm not truly,clean. Well, if that's true, I'll still take it. Methadone has saved me, changed my life a thousand times for the better, saved my family and eliminated the pain of the degenerative bone disease I suffer from which started the whole addiction cycle. I will sing the praises of methadone treatment from the rooftops! It's not for everyone, sure, but for me it was the right choice, along with twelve step meetings and intensive therapy.

My home life isn't the only thing that has changed, either. My father is so proud of my new found sobriety that he has offered to pay for me to get a college degree. Where there was once a dingey bar room, there is now a quiet book club. Where there were once raucous nights out, binge using, there are now coffee dates and trips to book stores. Where there were once pot fueled burn rides there are now quiet hikes through beautiful local woodlands and quarries.

My life is changing for the better,every single day. I might be only newly sober, but now that I have seen what the sober path has to offer,me, I never want to go back.
I know one thing for sure, no drug I have ever tried (and let,me tell you, I've done them all) has ever brought me the sense of pride and happiness that being sober has shown me. I am excited for each new day, and I am ready to work hard to keep this feeling and never go back to using.

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My Very First Sober Living "Party" -ahem- book club

2011-10-05T15:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I will be hosting the very first meeting of a very small group of people to chat about a book we have all read. Yes, that's right, I am starting a book club.

I am expecting about four people to show up, so it's not like it's going to be this huge thing, but this is the first group get together that I have hosted since I got clean and sober. There will be lots of food, plenty to drink, and I am even feeling strong enough to serve wine. Just a small bottle, of course, people are driving. I don't feel tempted in the least. Though I remain abstinent from alcohol, it was never really my thing anyway.

Many of you may be thinking, a book club, who cares. But this is a big thing for me. Usually when I am inviting people over it's for a night of pot smoking and binge drug using. Not a thoughtful discussion about a book we have all read. It's very symbolic to me. A symbol of the peaceful, non drug using lifestyle I am slowly growing accustom to. No more raucous parties where I wake up fully dressed to the shoes in my bed wondering what the hell happened last night and why the hell I wore running shoes to bed.

Nope. Now it's snacks, sodas and book chat. The people coming are not users, so there won't be any temptation or triggers. I am more nervous that people won't show up or that without tons of booze and drugs, people won't have a good time, but that's just me. I have never done anything like this before. And I am the one who started it. I truly hope it will become a monthly tradition and that everyone involved will be really into it and maybe it will grow a little and become part of peoples lives... An enjoyable part of peoples lives. So, I am nervous that it will begin and end with me. I'm hopeful though. At least two of the girls are very serious about it, so hopefully they will step up and offer to host future meetings.

Well, I better get to chopping carrot and celery sticks for the dip, and slicing cheese for the crackers. Ha. No rolling blunts and chopping lines or counting pills to assure nobody has stolen any. No waking up not sure of what I did last night! Just getting the snacks together and preparing our discussion questions. How new and exciting! Wish me luck in this new endeavor! I hope it all goes well.

My Very First 12 Step Meeting

2011-10-03T05:28:00.000-07:00

Well,last night was the big night. My very first twelve step meeting.

I was so nervous waiting for my ride to come that I felt like I could throw up. I almost didn't even go because I was freaking out so bad. However,I stopped myself from canceling and managed to make it to the meeting.

We got there a little late, so there was some awkwardness in walking in and finding a seat. Once I sat down though I was amazed at how warm and welcoming everybody was.

First, as soon as I got there, they encouraged me to introduce myself, which I reluctantly did. "Hi, I'm Amber and I'm an addict" was met with a resounding, enthusiastic "HI, Amber!" Secondly, as soon as I introduced myself, they sent around a booklet with a list of all the meetings on it, as well as the names and phone numbers of all the female members willing to help me out.

During the meeting there was lots of hugs and support and encouragement to and from all. It really was a little support community of people there for support and to give support to others. In short, it was amazing. I made new friends, I was accepted and felt so loved and supported.

I didn't get to speak at this meeting, which was good because it really gave me the time to absorb what was going on and observe the dynamic of the group. In short, I am already looking forward to the next meeting. It was like being cradled by this family of support. Everyone was so wonderful and non judgmental.

I was so nervous that I am surprised at myself for going, but I feel great about it now, and like I said, I can't wait to try other groups!

Anyway, the group was called a "Just For Today" group. "Just For Today" is book with inspirational and instructional quotes and explanations for recovery. Each page has a new daily inspirational saying. Last nights group was about putting your faith in "god or a higher power as you understand it. It was perfect because that whole faith part is something I have been struggling with.

It's not like I don't believe in a higher power, it's more the fact that I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea of giving my addiction over to this higher power. The surrender, as it's called. I like to think of myself as a very spiritual person, but admitting to god that I am powerless over my addiction, In my head, I know my using is compulsive and that I have little to no power over it, BUT in my heart, I can't seem to admit that I have been powerless over it, that it had no longer become a choice for me. So that part is tough. Hearing other people talk about it at the meeting really helped me grasp it, and feel less ashamed. All in all it was very freeing.

I am very glad I went out on a limb and pushed myself out of my comfort zone to attend this meeting, It was very beneficial.

They tell me "it works if you work it" and I think they just may be right.

Tonight is "the big night"

2011-10-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am so nervous I could just about throw up. On the other hand, I am so excited, I could almost jump for joy.

Tonight at approximately 7pm I will attend my very first twelve step meeting.

I have another woman in recovery who my group leader referred me to who is coming to get me to take me along. I am glad that I don't have to go it alone, but still, meeting new people makes me so nervous, and I will be meeting a buttload of new people tonight.

There are so many thoughts running through my head. I hope I like this woman. I hope she likes me. I hope nobody judges me for being on methadone. I hope nobody judges me period. I hope to make new friends and I hope to be accepted in the group. I hatehatehate being the new girl, it has got to be one of the hardest feelings for me. Hopefully everybody is supportive and friendly and it turns out to be a good experience. As my fiance pointed out, hey, if I don't like it, I don't ever have to go back.

I have a good feeling about it. It would be so nice to have a solid, sober group of girl friends to do stuff with. Unless they are all snobby, stuck-up bitches... But hey, they can't all be bad. There must be one or two people in there that are like me. Maybe there will even be another new girl or guy. That'd be nice, right?

Well, I had better set about the task of getting ready. Wish me luck! I'll write all about it tomorrow.

Thoughts on the twelve steps

2011-10-01T07:07:00.000-07:00

So, in preparation of my first twelve step meeting, I have been researching the actual twelve steps and I have to be honest, I am having trouble wrapping my head around them.

First, there is a lot of god stuff. I am trying to come to terms with the saying "god as you understand him". Raised catholic, reformed spiritualist I am not sure what my feelings on god are. I do definitely acknowledge a higher power, I'm just not sure I have a spiritual enough connection to give my thoughts over to him. Or her.

Another thing is making amends, and I have to admit,this terrifies me. See I wasn't the type of junky who stole or anything like that. So I really have to dig, because at first thought, I couldn't come up with anything that I thought really wronged anybody. Then I dug really deep and took a look at myself and my life and choices and I clearly saw that just me being high had wronged so many people. Breaking plans with good friends, lying to my mother saying I needed gas money so I could get a fix, not emotionally be available for my good friends or to my kids. I discovered that yes, I do need to make amends to some loved ones. I realize that even though I never directly hurt anybody while using, that the act of hurting myself was actually hurting other people. Especially my family. The drama alone that I put them through is unreal. Reading the twelve steps helped me realize this!

So, maybe there is something to a twelve step program that I might benefit from. I could use a closer relationship with "god or a higher power as I understand it". There are people who deserve a heartfelt apology from me.Then there is the issue of taking a moral inventory of myself. That could be therapeutic.

All in all, I'd say that I am starting to get excited about this meeting. I even have a person who is also in recovery who has agreed to pick me up and take me to this meeting with her, so I don't have to worry about going alone. Who knows, right? Maybe I'll meet my new best friend, or at least a couple new sober friends to hang out with. Yup, the more I think about it, the more I think Iam doing the right thing. And if I hate it, I never have to go back.

Yup. I'm going to give being a twelve stepper a try. Wish me luck! I've got a moral inventory to take :)

Are the Twelve Steps right for me?

2011-09-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

So, I have been in methadone treatment for nearly two months now. I go to a recovery support group on monday nights, and individual counseling weekly as well. Is this enough support?

So I have been asking myself the question, should I be attending 12 step meetings in addition to group therapy and counseling?

I have heard they are very christian based, which is their main turn off to me. I can accept a greater power, but tend to shy away from organized religion, though I am a very spiritual person.

On the one hand, having lost most of my friends after getting clean (most of them were users), it might be a good place to meet new, clean friends. And they say you can never have too much support. BUT,on the other hand, I am still on methadone. Will they judge me because of this? Because though I accept myself as clean meaning I no longer use illegal drugs and I no longer abuse drugs, methadone is still a drug, and I wonder if they will even count me as being clean since I use it. To be in a group of people who still consider me an actively using addict would crush my spirit, as even with the methadone, I have worked very hard staying clean. Will they see methadone treatment as cheating?

There is a meeting just for women once per week. I am seriously considering attending, but I am so very nervous about being judged. I wish recovery was easier. I wish that when I quit using, all my friends had followed suit, and I wish the cravings and detox symptoms were non-existent, so that methadone wouldn't even be necessary. I wish these things for myself, but also for all the other people out there struggling with addiction and trying to get clean. It's such a hard process, un-addicting yourself once you have learned or been sucked into a pattern of addiction.

I have spent the last 45 days or so struggling with feelings of isolation (hey, it's tough, losing all your friends in practically one day) and feelings of, well, for lack of a better term, mourning. Feelings of mourning for the life I used to live. So maybe giving the twelve step programs a chance might be beneficial. I mean, we are all there for the same reason, so how could they be judgmental of me? Maybe all this anxiety is just me, looking for an out, a way to avoid these meetings all together? And overcoming anxiety means pushing yourself to face things you want to avoid, leaving your comfort zone. So maybe I should just suck it up and give it a try. I always hear them say, it works if you work it, right? Well, if it can work for others, why can't it work for me? And maybe it will be useful to have that support when I finally decide to stop methadone.

I will commit here, in writing for all the world (or at least one or two people hopefully...) to see, to attend at least three twelve step meetings to give them a chance.

Well, now it's off to drive the kids to a guitar lesson. Which I do now, since I'm not too high or too dope sick to deal with it.

Twelve steps, here I come.

Sober Super Mom

2011-09-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

So, as I round the bend to my two months clean mark, I am shocked at the changes in me. I am even more shocked by the number of things I completely neglected while I was using.

I spent so much time in my non-sober days just laying around high or being sick from lack of drugs. I barely interacted with my kids, I barely did anything around the house, I rarely even joined the family at the table for dinner, opting instead to a) lay on the couch and starve so my next dose of pills would hit me nice and strong on an empty stomach or b) opted to eat alone in the living room, laying on the couch watching tv because I was too sick from detoxing to even want to be around my family.

All of the sudden, I find myself wanting, needing to be part of my family. My energy is returning. I actually WANT to play with my kids, listen to guitar practicing or making forts with my youngest. I made exactly 144 multiplication fact flash cards to quiz my oldest. I am not only JOINING in family dinner, I am actually cooking. I play chase, I make school lunches, I drive everyone to and from school. By 9 a.m I have now done more than I used to do in an entire day while I was using. I am enjoying my new role, and at the same time, I am ashamed that I skated by, letting my fiance or my mother assume my role, doing all the things with the kids that a Mom is really supposed to do. And the worst part is, I WAS A STAY AT HOME MOM. My only job was to care for the kids and the house and I spent the majority of the time napping, spacing out, or throwing up!

As this transition occurs, I realize, I owe my kids big time. I owe it to them to be super mom. I might not be perfect, but damn it, from now on, I will get my ass to that soccer game, get up early to get my oldest to trumpet practice, pick my youngest up from daycare and ooh and ahh over his latest piece of art work. We will dance and sing silly songs, eat healthy meals all together. We will read before bed and I will sit and help with homework. There will be endless hugs and kisses. I will assure my kids that they are important, more important than me. I will put their needs first for the first time in, well, ever.

Just realizing how little I was doing before inspires me to do better every single day. I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to make it up to them. Easily over the last few years my fiance or mother could have taken my kids away, and as far as a court battle goes, I would not have had a leg to stand on. Inmy sobriety groups I meet mothers who have lost their children,and this too renews my outlook on parenting, and how damn lucky I am to still have my boys at home. Instead of "eck, I have to go to ANOTHER little league game" my mind says "I am lucky enough to be able to watch my boy play baseball today". That's the way it should be. My kids are happier than ever, and I really admire their ability to forgive.

The kids are accepting of my renewed role as a super mom. They aren't mad at me, remembering the way things used to be, they are HAPPY to receive all this new attention and structure.They don't hold the past few years against me at all. I now realize that I didn't just get sober and clean, my whole family did. And, well, for now, even though it's not always easy for me, I see the enormous positive affect it is having on my family. They couldn't be happier and, tired though I may be, I couldn't be happier either.

Learning Sober Living With Kids

2011-09-20T06:13:00.000-07:00

I never really realized how hard being a clean and sober mom could be.

I gave up drugs for two reasons: one,at the rate I was going, I was bound to die, probably sooner rather than later. And two, because I was being a shit mother to my kids. I mean sure, Iwas physically there. I made lunches, read books to my boys and tucked them in at night. I FUNSTIONED as a mother, but Iwas really just skating by, doing the bare minimum. And, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I hated pkaying with them. I wanted to be along and irresponsible in my syate of highness. Thi kids put a kink in that, and I often felt that they were in the way of me having a good time.

Since I have been clean, I have been awake enough to really roll up my sleeves and get dirty withthe kids,finger painting, playing games, playing in the mud, really momming it up. And, though I love it, I also have some mixed feelings, Many times during the day, my mind wanders to that place, that "gee this would be sooo much more fun were I under the influence.

And it's true, a lot of these activities WOULD be more fun if I were high. More fun for me, that is. My kids certainly wouldn't have more fun with mommy nodding off, or laughing at inappropriate times, or hogging the video games because COMEON Mario Kart is HILARIOUS when you're wasted.In fact, being high made everything more fun, but always at a price.

I'd be super mom for about six hours and then I would be jittery, irritable, snappy towards the kids. A few more hours and I'd be hunched over the bathroom sink, vomitting my brains out, while the kids watched in horror and confusion. I always told them that it wasfine, that mommy just had a little tummy bug, and luckily they were young enough to believe it.

The days seemedto go faster when I was high and atthe time I liked that. I mean, I was soley responsible for my two boys for at least 12 hours per day, and if I had to do it without drygsm it was agonizing.I love my kids, but I was so wrapped up in the cocoon of my addiction that I was incapable of being truly "there" for them. I was physically there for them every single day, but Iwas like a robot. Performing the nessecary tasks but pretty emotionless.

So now I'm learning how to live with taking care of the kids sober. And you wouldn't believe the difference. I have disscovered that I am actually capable of having fun with them. Fun that I can remember the next day! Iam awake and with it enough to help my older son with his math homework. I can get things done during the day AND playing with my boys. And I don't have to wake up with a horrible hangover and detox symptoms. I don't have to lie to my kids about why mama is sick in the bathroom.

It's not always easy, I often miss that feeling of euphoria and general wellbeing. I miss feeling high. I love it and I hate it. I love the way it made me feel like everything was so easy. And I'mangry because that easiness was just a lie. Once the drug wore off, I felt helpless and sick and awful and desperate for another fix.

Now, Ican actually focuss on the boys, helping with homework, chasing them around and laughing with them over silly games we just make up. We cook together and we clean together, we had a routine and structure. In one month, the turn around has been amazing. The kids seem to notice adifference, to. Now when my little one falls of bumps his head, he comes running to Mama, when a month ago he only wanted Dada.

So far, sober living has been beautiful. Butthe parentingthing, now I have to be accountable as a parent. I can't just pop a pill and make everything all better. Now I have to put my big girl pants on and deal.Deal withthe tantrums and the trumpet practices and homework. It's work, and it's tough to ignore those cravings that pop up when the going gets tough, but it's worth it, just to be able to interact with my boys, without seeing life through the veil of drugs. Leaving the drugs behind was probably the best choice I could have made for my family. And hard as it is, it is a choice I am infinitely glad that I made.

One month clean!!

2011-09-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

So today marks my one month sobriety anniversary. I wish I could say it was an easy month, but that really hasn't been the case. It has been hell. I'm not sure if it's normal or what but I keep having these wild dreams in which I consuming every drug in sight. Like a kid in a candy shop. Never the less, though, I have made it one entire month, the longest I have gone without drugs, aside from my pregnancies, in fifteen years. The cravings are starting to lessen and I'm feeling more in control.

I feel so ashamed of myself for getting so out of control in to drugs. I am even more ashamed that I require methadone maintenance to, well, maintain my sobriety.

I never intended to stop using drugs. I liked being a drug user. With two kids, I was always stressed, and the drugs were a release, something personal, just for me. A much deserved break at the end of a long day. I completely relished the release they provided me. I would take pills and melt into ecstasy. They made me super woman, and I could do anything when I took them. Clean my whole house, wrangle the kids and their playmates successfully. But then would always come the crash. The high would wear of and I'd be left feeling empty and sick and annoyed at everything I came in contact with.My solution to this was a very expensive one; simply never let myself crash. Continue to "feed the need". I spent thousands. I didn't care that we were financially struggling as long as I got a fix.

All that changed one day when I had run out of drugs and had to let myself "come down". Well, I crashed HARD. I ended up having a grand maul seizure on the toilet, falling to the floor, hitting thhe tub and dislocating my jaw on the way down. My fiance had to kick the door in to get at me, and off to the hospital we went. At first, I was happy to be there, as they pumped me full of sedatives and morphine. However, as I lay in that hospital bed, thoughts began to wash over me. The biggest one was, what if I had been alone at home with the kids when it happened? What if they had seen it? How scared they would be if they had witnessed something like that. I couldn't bear the thought of putting them through that, so I decided to quit for good.

Obviously the seizure was an indicator that I couldn't detox by myself, so I sought an addiction specialist therapist and she suggested the methadone program, a good option for long term users of hard drugs. It took about two weeks and then I got my first dose, and it felt damn good. Knowing I would never have to feel the misery of detox again, never have my kids see my high again. Stop risking death with every pill.

So eventually, when the time comes, they will slowly and comfortably wean me down off the methadone at my own pace.

So today marks one months, and I am so proud of myself. My whole life is turning around, however slowly. I will be going back to school soon, i am more engaged with my kids. Iam up early, feeling good and not all hung over.

So, I guess it's, so far so good. And right now, I'm just fine with that.

Cheers to many more "clean" months!